Derealisation & Depersonalisation

Are you feeling:

disembodied,
divorced from yourself,
apart from everything,
unattached,
alone,
strange,
weird,
foreign,
unfamiliar,
dead,
puppet-like,
robot-like,
acting a part,
like a lifeless, two dimensional, 'cardboard' figure',
made of cotton-wool,
having mechanical actions,
remote,
automated,
a spectator,
witnessing ones own actions as if in a film or on a TV programme,
not doing ones own thinking,
observing the flow of ideas in the mind as independent?
YOU MIGHT SUFFER FROM DEPERSONALISATION.

Do you experience:

spaciness,
feel like looking through a grey veil,
a sensory fog, spaced-out,
being trapped in a glass bell jar,
in a goldfish bowl,
behind glass,
in a Disney-world dream state,
withdrawn,
feeling cut off or distant from the immediate surroundings,
like being a spectator at some strange and meaningless game,
objects appear diminished in size,
flat,
dream-like,
cartoon-like,
artificial;
objects appear to be unsolid, to breathe, or to shimmer;
'as if my head were inside a Coke bottle and I'm viewing the world through the thick glass at the bottom' ?
YOU MIGHT SUFFER FROM DEREALISATION.

People, these two jargons, depersonalisation & derealisation, are symptoms of anxiety disorder.

Weird stuff.

The Coke bottle one is funny tho'. Heh.

another BIRTHDAY ENTRY

Nazeera dearest....

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY!!!!

We celebrated her birthday last night. After 4 years being housemates, I must admit we're run out of ideas to make surprise party. Right, last night wasn't really a 'parteyy' but it was good. We have been busier these days (except for us doing psych), so it's good to get together like that. Come to think about it, last night was more like a slumber party, really. Everyone was in pj's (or their version of a pj hehe), and we talked about lotsa stuff..talk and talk and laugh and talk and laugh and laugh till our tummy hurt..hehh.....

To Naz, it's great knowing you. I hope this friendship lasts forever. Eventho' you'd want to stay in Penang like forever.. do come to KL to visit us eh..hehehhh.....luv you my fren!

Birthday entry

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO DEAREST ROOMMIE!!

Seronok betul dia dapat byk presents..well sape yg tak suka ye tak? ;)

Weird lil' kiddo this one..haha...but love her anyhow.

I didnt expect I would open up to her as much as I did..I guess her rather different perspective, or perhaps naiveness, is refreshing.

Good to know you mate!

May Allah bless you always. Amin.

Psychiatry so far

Baru balik from Portlaoise. B&B yang best! Padanle dgn harganye:45 per night! Takpe..UCD reimburse. It better be soon tho. Pokai jg skrg ni..

Setakat ni, I don't see myself doing psychiatry in future...

Bile ade psychiatrist yang tanye sape yg nak specialise in psych nanti, no one answered..hening sekali..nasib baik takde bunyi cengkerik je..hehh...

Psych is interesting indeed, tapi kurang menambat hati ku lah..

Rasenye kalau pun satu hari nanti aku nak amek psych jugak, the reason would not be a genuine interest in it.. just a 'maybe'..

Lain2..malas nak update..nantilah ye..

F.O.U.R

JOBS:
1. Babysitter utk anak2 kakwan, and anak2 kakdi jugak kot. Hehe. Kire keje lah ni, coz diorang kasi upah. :D
2. Domestic engineer. Mama kasi upah jugak ni! (note to B: tapi org tak mintak tau!)
3. Nil.
4. Nil.

MOVIES I LOVE:
1. How to lose a guy in 10 days
2. Finding Nemo
3. The Incredibles
4. I love animations lah…

PLACES I’VE LIVED:
1. KL
2. Kuala Terengganu
3. Dublin
4. Kelantan (not sure if this counts. I was brought up by my grandparents till I was 1 yr old)

TV SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:
1. Friends
2. Smallville
3. Desperate Housewives
4. E.R

PLACES I’VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Indonesia - jakarta and bandung
2. Malaysia – mostly islands
3 & 4 & more . Europe: Spain, Belgium, and 9 other countries that I went with Kelana Convoy, and Ireland of course!

BLOGS I VISIT (not so) DAILY:
1. Peah
2. Niesa
3. Hani
4. Shiny media sites e.g. shoewawa etc.

FAVOURITE FOODS:
1. Anything chocolate!
2. Nasi lemak sambal kerang.
3. Mama’s lala masak lemak
4. Err..anything seafood..except certain type of seashells..

PLACES I’D RATHER BE:
1. 151, Jalan Ikhlas, Bandar Tun Razak!
2. Wherever B is…
3. Vacation in Turkey. Agree with Niesa on this one.
4. Nak pegi East Europe jugak..tapi mahal sehh….

ALBUMS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT:
Nah..cant think of any. Havent bought any album for a long time. Sekarang sumer internet maa….

VEHICLES I’VE OWNED:
1. Basikal kire vehicle ke?
2. Would like to own a Beetle. I know, not answering the question.
3. Would like to have a driver too!! Hahahahaa!!!
4. Tapi takkan driver drive beetle kan? Paling2 koman pun mercedes! ;D tingginye la angan2 ko son!!

one month summary

Dah lama tak update. Been thinking about updating every now and then, especially when stuff happens, but to actually do it.. malas. And I have a valid excuse too: my less-than-a-year-old laptop got infected by this bloody virus and i can't access anything in my laptop. At all. All the files are gone. Kaput. And the stupid virus chose to do this on the night before my Legal Med exam. All my notes were in there. All paperless. Panic attack ensued. My first thought was to call B, of course he could only guide me thru the phone. My roommate was a dear, she lent me her Mac. The next day I told other housemates about the 'tragedy', they asked why didnt I ask to borrow their notes or computers..i was like, "ye tak ye jugak kan?". Well..that's what panic does to you...but who came first to my mind? That's a big credit to u B.. ;)

The winter exam was ok, but as always, i feel i could have done better. But that's me. Suka sangat study last minute. Pastu regret it. Yelah, bila study last minute, the stress felt unbearable, and kena sacrifice masa tidur jugak, which is a big deal for me!;P Alhamdulillah results are ok too. Just got it a few days ago. I was also invited (along with lotsa other people too) to sit for the Duke Elder Undergraduate Prize in Ophthalomology, which is in May. Havent reply to the Ophthal office yet, but i think i'm going to take the exam. I may not get the prize, which i think is £400 for the highest mark, but it'd look good on the CV, wouldnt it? What worry me is that I'll be doing O&G in May. Everyone knows how the rotation is like. It's beyond insane! I just hope i can find time to study ophthal amidst its chaos. And do i need to say something about the Prof. too? I think psychiatry people should establish a term for the phobia towards the Prof. Oh ye i just started the psych rotation a few days ago. It's a leisure so far. I have to go to PortLaoise for 2 weeks in April. Nasib baik tak jauh sangat.

Lepas winter exam, ada 10 days break. Couldnt go anywhere until the orals list were out. Then I went to Belgium with two friends for 3 days. Brussels to me is a gloomy and cold city. Lagi expensive daripada Dublin. And damn freezing! Eventho it wasnt that nice to see, i did enjoy the trip. Highlights of Brussels: the hotel (bubble bath..total bliss.heh!), the waffles (yummmmyy!!), the gorgeous lace (i wish i had more money, mama would really love to have them!). And the tram incident too. Gelak tak ingat punyelahh! Shall i tell the tale here? Why not? Haha!! Tak taulah the tram there built tahun brape, tp its doors are so narrow we thot the 'boroi' and the pregnant ones cant get thru them. We are not any of those, but it was quite a struggle to get thru the doors when the tram was crowded. Nak dijadikan cerita, we wanted to get off at this one stop, borak punye borak tak sedar dah sampai situ, ape lagi kelam kabut ler nak turun. Thank you too to the crowd in there who i think were very inconsiderate for not budging at all to make way for us. Geez! Anyway when A was passing the door, it started to close! I think you can guess what happened next. But could you guess that it was her head that was entrapped? Head! In usual circumstance i would have guessed shoulders, or hands, or legs. I was still in the tram, and I feel bad coz my first reaction was..LOL!! You should see how funny it looked like. Try to picture it yourself! But i tried to help her too, especially when the scene in Final Destination 2 appeared in my head! Gruesome!! The door opened and A got off. The other A tried to pass thru next, and the door was closing again! Her hand and bag were the victims this time. Then she managed to get off. Pastu my turn pulak. Opps, I'm sorry people, my escape was uneventful. Hehe! To make the whole thing even more embarassing, after our escapade, the tram didnt move away from that stop. What??The traffic light was red?!! Huhuuuu.....tak tau nak lari gi mana dah..the only thing we could do was to laugh at ourselves and walk away..
Bile pikir balik kan...no one in that tram tried to help us. Not a single person. Hilarious the situation was, tapi camane kalau one of us was hurt....

We went to Bruges too. The place is serene and quiet. We wondered where the locals were coz it seemed like the crowd were made up of tourists and org2 yg bukak kedai2 je. A very quiet city. Would love to settle down in a place like this someday. I bought chocs and lace in Bruges, they are slightly cheaper there. I think I hurt my right knee there coz we were walking the whole day and the streets there are cobblestone-like. I dont mean to be a whiny, but my knee really hurt especially when walking up and down the stairs. Everytime i bend my knee, the pain shoot down to my calf like a knife. Diagnosis anyone? I was like tempang when we got back to Brussels. My friends were sweethearts for slowing down despite the cold wheather made us want to walk faster to get into any building every 5 mins!

Last week, my ex-housemate N was admitted to St James' Hosp for pneumothorax. It was a shock, really. In the afternoon A and me were talking to her on the phone, and in the evening we got the news that she was in James'! The sad thing was, she went to the A&E at 7pm, and only seen by the doctor at 7 am the next morning!! By that time, her left lung was 60% collapsed! Apparently, that night, the nurses triaged her as in group C, which simply means not as urgent as the groups A and B (A,B,C- D'ouh!).
Oh nurse, I have a question, I heard that you also put PE (pulmonary embolism) in the differential diagnosis, why oh why wont you put her in group A huh? Oh what is this? Hey look at my medical book right here, it says PE is a life threatening condition and should be managed urgently! *Ppfffffttthhhhhhh!!*
Ridiculous their management of N's case may seem to be, as how i narrate it here (hehe), I cant help thinking how scary the uncertainty in medicine is. The GP who N saw before she went to James' diagnosed her as having pneumonia or TB (What?TB?I know!But we are Asian.). The nurses thought she had PE. N initially self-diagnosed herself with pneumothorax. GP vs medical staff vs medical student. The symptoms might presented differently to each of them, and perceived differently based on their knowledge, experience, and other things that were happening at that time. Who could have be absolutely certain anyways? Until they did the X-ray that morning only then they came to the conclusion of pneumothorax. Evidence-based medicine anyone?

Ape lagi ye..oh yes...fifi join tabligh..Fifi? yes, my crazy brother joined tabligh group. It's a pleasent surprise, really. As long as it isnt a cult, and he does it in moderation, and tak kacau study, i dont have any objection. It's his birthday today. It felt refreshing talking to him this morning. He is a grown-up now, the fact that I always forgot. I always think of him as my little brother yang gila2 and immature, but he is also a big brother to my other siblings who has been responsible to them and growing mature each day. Bravo Fifi for the hijrah..alhamdulillah...and i pray for your istiqamah...

Ok air dah panas...mau mandi...hey it's Sunday ok, it's okay to mandi lambat..oh i so miss the bubble bath in Brussels..

RTM teman setia anda...

this makes me feel really homesick...

my grandparents pun suka tengok RTM...

kebanyakan anak2 zaman sekarang (inc me) tak favour rtm..too oldies they (we) say..generasi mtv le katakan (quoting some ppl)..tp rtm yg oldies ni ler jadi peneman mak ayah or tok nenek kita..especially bila anak2 keje jauh, tinggal la diorng berdua je kat kampung tu..berkebun, bagi ayam itik makan, memancing etc..just counting the days...berapa kali sgt la dalam setahun anak cucu balik menjenguk diorng..

sorang mak boleh jaga sepuluh orang anak..sepuluh orang anak nak jaga sorang mak..? see around us,look at the reality...i dont mean to be pessimistic, but do look around...

A doctor's prayer

Help me to put aside my superficial needs to fulfill my deeper ones
Show me how to care for people in the way they need to be cared for
Strengthen me to put aside my own needs when necessary but recognize them when I must
May I one day be at peace with where I am right now
Allow me to be the best I can be for myself and others
Give me strength, hope, and perspective to meet each day

oh so adorable!!

check this out!


View more video clips at Yashi

my wish

Strange & Beautiful

Someone very dear to my heart gave me part of the lyrics some time ago....havent listened to the song actually, until recently i heard this one song in somebody's blog and the wordings hit me..oh so this is the song! Such a beautiful melody..yet so sad.....

Artist: Aqualung
Song: Strange and Beautiful

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me..
Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...
I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me............

Been trying to find the free mp3 to download..tak jumpe! Will someone help me please? I'm a bit hopeless about download2 stuff ni...

We Will Rock You

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2114552886564149673

So kawai!!

Quick Update

Went to Spain for a week. A dream came true. Loved the trip! Gonna write an entry on that later. Hafta finish the medical ethics and legal med essays first *Ppfffffftttthhh!* Love the subject (ethics, not legal med!!) actually, but to talk about it in 2500 words? Why do u think there's no intellectual reads in my blog??

My beloved aunt dapat posting ke Muazzam Shah, Pahang. Whereabout? Near Kuantan. That's all I know. The place doesnt sound too rural to me. A pekan perhaps. Tok Ayah and Wan must be a bit disappointed. I know how badly they want C.sue to work in Kelantan, to stay with them in their old days. Myself..rasa sedih sikit..nanti tak dapat selalu hang out dgn Csue when I go back to Msia. She's been staying with us in KL for a few years when she was working in Putrajaya. She's mama's youngest sis, only a few years older than I am..so she's like a big sister to me....the funny thing is, Csue is petite and I am 5'8"...she calls me KakLong (eldest sister) and I call her Csue(youngest sister)..when we hang out, surely people think that I am the big sis!Erm..suddenly I miss her so much...

My sis, dah dapat herPMR results...alhamdulillah..I'm so proud of her achievement...is she going to a boarding school like her KakLong? The offers (if there is one for her) usually arrive in January/February, so we'll just wait and see. Kalau Mirah pegi boarding school..tinggal ler Lisa je kat rumah to teman Papa and Mama. Ermm..abesler...makin spoil le adik bongsu ku itu... ;P

Adios.

Rumusan Peperiksaan

Resident exam tamat sudah. MCQ was on Monday. I have no civilised word to describe it. Long case plak was on Wednesday. I was fairly calm before the hospital list came out. The s*#t started at 5pm on Tuesday when I found out that I had to go to Vincent’s Hosp. The anxiety really took hold of me, gripping to the very core. I’m not exaggerating. Tak pernah aku cuak camtu for an exam. That night studied some stuff especially CF. Kinda hoping dapat CF coz dah study quite thoroughly about it eventho tak penah amek history or met someone with CF. Slept earlier than usual, although spent a good while staring at the ceiling before I managed to sleep. Dearest rommie lak watpe ntah tgh2 malam buta tu, I was awaken a few times by the noise. Annoyed? I don’t hafta answer that.

Woke up with a tired mind (duh!) and one red eye. Red, as in bloodshot red, it looks kinda scary, like pontianak’s one I tell ya. Let me prove my point:
No, no, it’s not conjunctivitis. It’s totally painless. That’s why I didn’t pay it any attention coz for God’s sake, I have an exam to attend to!

And don’t say anything about the eyebag. Be nice okey.

Oh yes, back to the exam. My turn was at 8 am. C’mon, haven’t they tortured us enuff? The first three buses didn’t stop at our stand, surprise surprise, the buses are full on Wednesday morning. *pffffftttthh* No way I’m gonna waste my money by taking a cekik-darah cab of Dublin, let’s just say I have quite a talent of getting thru a stampede of irritated people into the fourth bus that akhirnya chose to stop.

Reached Vincent’s on time. The beast called panic tagged along, decided to not leave me alone. Huhu. The doc brought me to the second floor, as told by A to be where surgical wards are. The patient, Mrs S.C was a very lovely lady. She came complaining a malaena. So I thot, I had done this kinda case a few times before, should be no prob for me…regrettably, Calm never visited. I tried to collect myself together, deep breaths, prayers..I tried all...but I messed it up still. My stuff kept falling on the floor. I kept asking the patient same question a few times. I forgot the important risk factors for the condition. I just couldn’t think straight. When the examiner stepped in, and I saw especially the surgeon’s name, I knew I was in a tight spot. My presentation? I stumbled, I mumbled, I froze, how else to describe the mess I made. Q&A wasn’t any good either. Physical examination part…I was asked to check for incisional hernia, axillary lymphadenopathy and ankle reflex. The surgeon didn’t seem impressed I must say.I have excuses u know. Excuses. Read: everything was really my fault, my own weakness. Incisional hernia, never been taught how to check for one. Axillary LN, only once saw Dr.S did it. Ankle reflex, couldn’t elicit it even with reinforcement! But I blame that on the patient’s underactive thyroid. Heh.

All in all, my exam didn’t go well. The ‘cry me a river’ episode took place only when I was alone in my own room. Felt helpless at that moment coz couldn’t call my parents who are in Beijing, couldn’t reach B coz his hp buat hal again. Didn’t want to bother my housemates coz it’s their turn for the exam the next day.

One thing I’m glad about the exam tho’. I made sure the examiners saw me washing my hands at the end of it all. I hope that’d be enuff for them to pass me.

We are meant to be together!

wohoo!! my summer ride is my lil beetle bee!! See..we are so gonna to be together! *a hint to my other B!* LOL!

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro.You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's" Your Summer Ride?

matrix ping pong

This is awesome! Definitely a great 'take 5' from all the studying! --> http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8079411349144989883

Oh ye..dah dapat jadual long case xm..so it's mcq on Monday, and long case on Wednesday. really really hope dapat exam kat Mater!!

Finally..dah abes bincang past years questions yang berlambak2 tu dgn IRP group diorng. Thanx korang for letting me join the discussion. Nak harap aku jawab sorang2...mau jadi weng aku! ;P

Hafta go back to the books..

P/s: Pray for me too..please?

Chick Fights

Just watched this video of 'chick fighting'. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5327558281233743554 . I felt sick after just 10 secs. How could these women be so violent?

Anyway, if u chose to watch it..just see the way they fight..there's this pattern..hair-pulling..aimless punching and kicking ( altho mostly it seems like the ears become the victim. ) ..i think it's partly because they tend to bend their head down while fighting...

Reti pulak nak jaga the pretty face eh?

GH experience

Only 1 week left in Mater, and then 1 week study leave. Mesti ramai patients kena 'harass' dgn students next week..sumer desperate nak practise masing2 punya examination skills. Ingat lg my own experience masa hospitalised in GH. Masa tu form 3, thot it was sumthin to do with the vigorous netball practise. Damn my leg hurt so bad that time. Everything happened quite fast. My left leg swollen up and got really red that I scared it might burst. Couldnt walk at all. Was a bit paranoid initially, thot I could never walk again. Heh. Besides, I dont remember any doctor giving me any kind of reassurance. They left me with my own theories and fear. Huhu. So dont do that ok my dear doctor-to-be friends?

Mula2 kena scan kat HUKM and they couldnt reach a definitive diagnosis. (Now I know what the scan was..it was Doppler's ultrasound) They thot it was some clot ( DVT lah ) but I was 15, like too young to get a DVT (that's what i remember from their conversation). So they referred me to GH. Dipendekkan cerita, I got intramuscular cellulitis. Was put on a course of iv and oral antibiotics. Almost everyday a bunch of students datang tengok kaki ku. Sometimes dengan dr, sometimes tak. Mula2 tu oklah, I could handle it, altho segan giler. Yela..diselak2 nye selimut ku! Huhu! Tak ingat lah about them asking permission. Maybe they did. But honestly I didnt know that I could say no. So what i did to avoid them students? Buat2 tidur...hehe..Spent 1 good week in GH..rasala guna wheelchair and crutches..patient RIP kat katil sebelah..malam2 yang hening kat ward...what an experience!

And it isn't the experience that direct me to this medical route I'm on now...

my new pet!

adopt your own virtual pet!

latest updates

Lama sungguh tak update. Raya ramblings pun tak sempat nak tulis. Well, I always have the exam to blame. And sudoku too. I dont do sudoku in the newspapers anymore, partly bcoz i dont have access to one. I, now, do sudoku online. It's cool coz you can compare your performance with others. I am now above average in solving the medium sudokus. Talking about exam pulak, it is 4 weeks away. I could feel the tension and stress from every corner of the hospital, and of BV too. From within myself, yes too. But the motivation to study..it's not parallel..sigh...

Raya tahun ni...tak semeriah tahun2 lepas. Perasaan tu 'kureng' sikit. Why eh? Baju raya ada (my housemates commented that my colour scheme never changed), makanan raya ada, kuih raya from mama sampai malam raya (this was a huge YEY for me!), open house invitation banyak. What was the missing element? I missed people in Msia every raya. Well, I always miss the people in Msia alright. No difference about that in this raya. But there were no 'cry me a river' moments this time. So what was it? Boredom?

I was doing ENT that 1st raya week. Skipped most part of the rotation.Felt guilty for a while, but ENT will not be in this coming xm, so..guilt erased! ;)

Last week did ophthalmology. Loved it! Actually, as a result of that rotation, I put ophthalmology in the specialty list together with GI medicine. Am doing colorectal surgery right now, for the next 3 weeks. I like it so far, becoz i so suka the consultants. hehe. Tomorrow am going into theatre. Probably will see some laparoscopy or colectomy. Hope i wont get dizzy again like that day. But there was a reason, i didnt sahur...

ok..hafta study perioperative management...daa...